ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
