i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
