So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
