Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
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