I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
