Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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