im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
