watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
even my farts smell like vagina
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
