I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
