one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
