You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
