Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
