Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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