The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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