you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
