Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
