It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
