I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
