did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
