I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
