Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
