He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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