my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You made out with two different species that night
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
