I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
