last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I am midnight drunk by noon
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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