Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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