I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
