I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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