my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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