you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
