Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
