listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
