dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
