Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
