you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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