there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
