Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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