im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
