Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
