Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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