Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
