i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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