I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
