She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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