someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
