I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
