soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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