hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
