I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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