and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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